I'm not quite sure how I feel about it. I thought I would be dreadfully sad, dropping him off at nursery, saying goodbye to his cute, little face, walking back to the car on my own, with perhaps a little tear in my eye, sans pushchair, sans baby, sans everything. That's what you read about in mummy blogs so often. Being apart from your baby for the first time is a bit of a trauma, isn't it?
But actually, no, it wasn't like that at all. He started to play straight away. He loves the staff there. He doesn't understand goodbye or even waving, and didn't seem to care at all when I was leaving. And as I walked away, on my own for the first time in months, I admit it felt strange. But it didn't feel sad. I was able to get in my car and set off immediately without wrestling any equipment/small people into the vehicle and checking everything 15 times. No-one started to cry when I had to stop at traffic lights. When I got home, I made it into the house in one trip, in 30 seconds flat.
Once home, I got the laundry hung out without anyone crying. I made lots of stewed apples and fruit purée. I answered a load of emails I've been meaning to answer for weeks. I had a hot lunch, and a hot bath. I even did a bit of knitting and didn't mess it up because it turns out I can count when not distracted. I did lots of little jobs and I did them in record time. And I watched a bit of crap telly, because when am I ever going to get a couple of hours like this to myself ever again?
All of a sudden I've rediscovered that I can be productive. I thought perhaps I was never going to get anything done efficiently ever again, but no! It was the small one slowing things down all along! To be honest, I feel like I have rediscovered a little part of myself that had gotten lost this past year. And I'm not dreading going back to work like I was. Firstly, I don't think I'll be distraught from being separated as I once imagined I would be. When I was pregnant, the thought alone would bring me to tears. Secondly, I was worried I had lost the ability to do my job, frazzled as I feel much of the time. Now I feel as though, actually, I am still a motivated and able person, as well as being someone's mum.
But I am looking forward to picking the little man up. If his settling-in sessions are anything to go by, he won't care in the slightest when I arrive. He'll be too busy playing and having a good time. And while do miss his cute, little face, I am perfectly happy on my own for the day. I won't get too many of these days, so I'm enjoying it while it lasts.